Good morning students.
This is Principle Westly.
Sharpen your number 2 pencils and bang those erasers
it's another glorious day here at old Tromaville High.
Hall Monitors are out in force so don't be late for your first... period.
Ah, please.
Please, someone help me please!
Ew, check out that gash!
Mop it up! Mop it up!
My Legs! My Legs!
My foot!
Ah, Look what you have done with your cunt juice. Ahhhhhhhh!
Hey what's going on?
What's going on?
If you don't know you should have seen vol. 1.
In any case, here is a refresher course.
Your crypt notes.
This is Tromaville High school.
Unfortunately located right next door.
To the horribly contaminated factory and headquarters of Tromorganic Foods stuff I no.
Okay that's enough.
Look I'm a cameo actor.
I, I can't do all these long roles.
C' mon Lloyd you take over.
Okay Peter Parker,
Last semester we learned that Mr. Herzkauf
the evil greedy CEO of Tromorganic Foods stuff
conspired with the principal
of Tromaville High school to sell contam inated
lunches to every school of New Jersey and the world.
After eating chemically polluted tacos,
the tone deaf nerdy glee club transformed into a gang of sadistic cretins.
And the side effects of the mutated food made the sing like beautiful nightingales.
Meanwhile, rich girl Lauren and Trailer trash
Chrissy fell in love,
and fucked their brains out.
Kevin the wonder duck
feasted on carelessly disposed up mutating taco garbage.
Which of course led
to duck down throat rape...
and as every science 101 student knows
when lesbians exchange fluids from the duck rape
it transforms them
into this...
And in Tromaville
this inadvertently started a gender equally political movement.
A lesbionic dual
beat the crap out of the cretins who have previously bullied them.
Lives were lost.
Zac the fat slob who smelled like roast beef
used his outdated blackberry camera
to photograph and black mail our two lovers.
Mr. Chips everyone's favorite science Teacher had both eyes
poked out by a mis-directed laser
and mutant cretin vomit
and everyone blamed god.
As you can see vol. 1 one dealt with all
the hot button issues that are relevant issues
of teenagers today including what goes inside the mind
and a mutated body of a hot pubescent adolescent.
This is a story about today's complicated young teenagers.
And who better to illuminate these themes
than a 70-year-old man?
So let's all return to,
Return to Return to Nuke 'Em High.
A. K.A. volume 2
already in progress.
As I told you before Mr. President
it's not just about the army of mutant cretin students
raised on tainted tacos.
You'd be happy to know that
business is booming
and by booming, I'm not referring to some student' s head exploding.
I mean we are gonna have taco Tuesday not just in every school.
In New Jersey, but in schools all over this big blue marble.
You are going to be richer than a Bavarian chocolate
melting on the balls of Donald Trump.
You Asshole!
Yes, indeed. When you leave the oval office,
you'll have a mansion that will make camp David look like, look like camp Auschwitz?
And speaking of gas, our little gas plan is working great.
You're not just going to be rich, you are going to be young!
That's right, you are going to be young.
Now Give Daddy his Jesus Juice. Ah!
Let me out!
I gotta get out of here!
This cage is worse than having to pay my student loan bill!
Ms. Goldberg. Now!
As your Principle, it is incumbent upon me
to address your recent rash of delinquent behavior.
Malmener une étudiante en difficulté.
Bullying a special needs girl is in no way for a young lady to behave
and now poor Mr. Chips has been blinded by her acidic vomit.
We won't concern ourselves with such tawdry matters.
But would you like to explain this?
It's a mediocre smart phone,
probably the only thing you can afford on an American teacher salary.
I know what this is about.
This is about my blog in the missing students.
I'm on to something aren't I?
Oh, yes and no.
Your Blog is filled with fabricated and inflammatory lies
of Tromaganic and our government subsidized lunch program.
Oh sure, there have been a couple of unrelated instances of spontaneous cranial explosions.
The odd phallic slug in the septic tank...
But I'll get to the bottom of it.
And I don't need your nose in all up in
how I perform my duty.
To wipe away our students fears
and flush them away forever.
The glee club may have been inexplicably transformed into
hot topic hipsters
but we all go through changes in High school.
It's called puberty.
There you have it.
Proof positive that our students are singing the praises
of our school lunch program.
Meanwhile...
I got a stomach full of tacos
and I gotta take a shit.
What the fuck?
That bitch is ragging hard!
She looks like she is dying.
She's not dying,
she's dilating!
I gotta get a picture of this shit.
Me too.
OH GOD!
Something tells me this
video has the potential to go more viral
than Charlie sheen at the playboy mansion.
How did you?
Your pudgy pal
Zac provided me with that video.
And all his snitching cost me was a few scraps of roast beef
and a plate of stale donuts.
He didn't even care if they were gluten free.
Ah! To be fat and worthless.
Should we help her?
You need a license to be a Doctor.
Well that one wrote itself.
Now that's meta.
That girl.
That pussy.
It's, it's like a clown car!
You know, that's a really good metaphor.
Actually ladies, that's a simile.
You have exactly
24 hours to take down that Blog
or that video of you and your carpet munching girly whore
it's going to find its way under the Talking Tromaville Morning TV show.
For the enjoyment of the homophobic Tromavillians out there.
How's your mornin ' been?
Grab a cup of morning joe
we're about to start the show.
Charla and woody will put a smile on your grill.
Talking Tromaville!
Today we are going to be exposing lots of homosexuals in Tromaville.
I love it,
celebrity shaming my favorite pass time.
Right here in talking Tromaville ladies and gentlemen.
Talking Tromaville.
It's your choice.
Oh God!
What kind of God?
Zac ratted me out.
That fat smelly roast beef fink.
Hey what can you do?
It's the age of snark.
Every fat sweaty loser living in his mom's basement
has a blog and an opinion.
Look at Zac.
It's Emmanuel Lewis!
Gimme that fuckin tit you bitch!
Don't Do it.
Don't eat the imbecile cord
its bad luck.
We have to find a place to take a shower.
To the cafeteria ladies.
To the cafeteria!
I loved you in Webster.
Gimme that tit.
Lauren!
Are you OK?
What the fuck?
On this Episode of...
Talking Tromaville morning show,
Lauren gives birth to a monster baby.
But How?
You didn't even have a mid-wife?
When they raped me with Kevin.
Duck Rape!
I think he impregnated me.
I wanna suck the tit!
It must have been a premature e-quackualtion.
Morning wood?
Thanks for the Heads up.
I'm sorry about that.
Teenagers.
Beastitaly!
Wait what?
Ya right I know. Is it a passing trend like planking.
Ya or when they were dumping the cold water
on each other to raise money for baseball.
Kids.
You want a fart? Here's a Fart.
Mr. Herzkauf are you sure you should be doing this?
The fart Harvester is perfect.
But this fart harvester has not been approved by the FDA.
There is nothing to worry about
it's the fartain of youth.
Some may call it the fountain of pee youth.
Get it, pee youth.
Work with me!
Take the fuckin' tube out of my ass!
What about the side effects?
Welcome to parent teacher day
at Tromaville High school.
Remember if your child has gone missing,
suffered unexplained mutations,
head explosions
or spontaneous human combustion.
Beware we are no longer liable
and even if we were, do you think we have money?
We are a public school.
Will you hush that thing up?
I don't know how.
I don't know, eat it or poke it or something.
Are they finally making Gremlins 3?
Is Joe Dante coming back to direct it?
You can tell me!
So many questions!
Zac! Why did you rat me out?!
Listen Chrissy!
The reason I exposed you as being a Lesbo is simple.
I'm miserable.
I repulse every piece of trim that comes near me.
What kind of a God combines this annoying voice?
With this awful body.
And gives it a repugnant roast beef aroma?!
I'm 15 years old for God sakes.
I look like I'm 45.
I was born with this terrible affliction.
It's called douche-bag-atosis.
Douche-bag-atosis effects 1 in every 7 Troma actors.
All I really want is to fulfill my 2 life goals.
One, is to run naked
being truly excepted as a fat nudist.
The second is fucking two girls way out of my league.
Is that too much to ask for?
Tell you what big boy.
The PTA meeting room is empty.
So why don't you take off all your clothes and um, meet us there.
Oooh. Oh. Ooh, all,
all my clothes?
Close your eyes, and count to ten.
And if you are a real good dog we will give you your clothes back.
Just so long as you fuck us, like we have never been fucked before!
I'm going to cornhole you, carpet munching bitches
and I'm gonna cum in you lesbiotic ears.
And that's not all parents!
On purity day
we are going to have Ms. Kathy Lee give herself coming in to give her special speech on chastity to the girls.
There is just enough time for one more question. Questions anyone?
Who's ready to fuck?
Oh God I'm sorry.
Let me help you.
That is it!
Out! Out!
To the suspension room with you!
Charla don't you hate that dream when we show up to school naked for some reason.
I sure do and for some people, that naked dream becomes and undressed reality.
We will be talking to Zac Baldwin
who had an unfortunate run in with a full moon.
Charla, woody. I am furious.
Lauren and Chrissy: You clueless, classless,
clit sniffing, clam lappers.
I will have my revenge! Ha! Ha!
Wonderful. That is one angry lesbian.
And we'll all feel gay when Johnny comes marching home.
Look at that fat lesbian!
Shut up.
I did what you wanted.
Good work.
But if you want to be a Cretin.
You gotta have the pipes.
So belt something out for us.
Sing! Sing! Sing!
And I didn't realize that what looked like eyeballs
on my penis,
was actually uh. .An awful STD.
Uh, ha who knew?
Now this scene is probably the most important in the movie.
Oh, OK now get, get ready to listen to these, these up coming lines.
These lines right here.
This section really sums up my 40 years of film making
it's pivotal and you shouldn't even be listening to this commentary,
or these, these. You are going to miss the basis of my entire career.
I remember when I was shooting this scene, I was sky high on cat tranquilizers
and I thought it would be fine to cover, to cover the scene with only three shots.
As you can tell I obviously made the right choice.
We can see that
through the international language of public domain music.
Zac is able to convince the Cretins
that he has the underwear with all to lead the cretins to victory.
But enough of my yapping.
This scene speaks
or should I say sings for itself.
That was awesome.
You are in fat boy. Yes!
Let's take that school down!
That place is ours!
And I am personally taking down those two dykes bitches!
But first I'm going to get a good night sleep!
Attention, Tromorganic Employees
a shipment of plaster filler food stuff has arrived in docking bay ninety four.
Remember to punch your time cards.
There will be no...
uh, stick it in the plasty food stuff.
It's organic isn't?
It will make it taste better?
Look out Mother Fucker!
It's teething.
Isn't the baby going to wake her up?
No. She's an alcoholic.
She slept through 3 gang bangs.
What do we name him?
How bout Terri?
Or Her?
How bout Terri?
Or will?
- It? - I'm going to go with Terri.
Um, Listen. I was so freaked out by the baby.
I forgot to tell you that wesley plans to expel us
on talking Tromaville's morning TV show.
Talking Tromaville!?
I love that show.
I watch every morning after Toxic Crusaders.
I want porn.
Uh, listen. I don't think you understand.
Wesley knows about our relationship.
If I don't delete the Blog by tomorrow,
Wesley is going to put us on Facebook and tag the entire student body.
Jumping Jesus on a pogo stick!
We will be stars in our very own oxball incident.
Last time, I was ducked raped.
What's next? A porcupine in my pussy?
Tit, Tit!
Delete the Blog.
Nobody believes it anyways.
Don't you?
I hate you.
I want to die.
Gimme that tit.
You know I do.
You know I do Oh Chrissy! Oh fuck me with that huge 15 inch
fuck me like an only sensitive lesbian lover
with a huge rubber strap on.
Oh my god Chrissy! Thank god for my kegel exercises.
I didn't think giving birth to a duck
would be such an aphrodisiac.
Stress relieving!
Do you ever? Miss Eugene?
We should totally bang tonight!
Eugene needs to feel this now.
Ah man!
Ah MAN! You really are a MAN!
Sometimes...
A little.
Meanwhile...
Ha! Ha! You are a bad girl.
Your BAD!
Um. Mmmm. The machine needs greasing.
You ready for this baby?
Ya daddy.
BANANA! Ow!
Do you ever miss Kevin?
Your Duck?
I love Kevin.
No!
Sometimes.
But ducks have been known to survive well in the wild.
Even ones with mutated green eyes and sharp teeth.
I hope so.
I was just checking when Charlie over the news desk
trying to break.
He tells me he's been flooded with calls all morning.
About some rapid duck
or another that has been menacing the citizens of Tromaville.
We have Doctor Jack swinney here.
He's good
who is the foremost expert in animal control
and he is going to break it down for us.
He did the dolphin fucker special.
Doctor.
I am an expert on animals. I am also an expert on birds.
It's only a matter of time
before a duck like this storms our street.
Blood thirsty, ripping apart our women and our children.
Because we have gone from fracking to quacking my friend.
Dr. swinney can we survive this scourge?
Can Tromaville possibly defeat this disgusting, despicable, disasterdly DUCK?!
Or is humanity as we know done for?
It's the Jews, the Jews.
Mr. Herzkauf,
these records indicate that this foodstuffs
factory is loaded with numerous safety violations.
Inspector, I can guarantee your safety is of
paramount importance.
In fact, we have four thousand employees here,
and I regard each one of them as family.
Tell my wife I forgot to pick up the cottage cheese!
Uh uh, we have three thousand one hundred and ninety nine employees here at Tromorganic Foodstuffs
and I regard each one of them as family.
Now let's continue our tour
and I'll take you to our totally up-to-date bribe department.
Please.
Mr. Chips my favorite science teacher? What are you doing here?
Oh, Chips and I we've been fuck buddies for years.
Correct-o-mundo!
Disgusting.
After you were born,
your father warren became obsessed with the nuclear waste that mutated him.
Wait.
You mean my father is warren
from the first Class of Nuke ' Em High?
Yes. And that's not all.
Hold on to your butts.
Warren became Herzkauf.
Warren Goldberg didn't like his name,
so he changed it to Lee Harvey Herzkauf.
Hey young warren!
See you later guys!
Nd maybe tonight we can all get together and do homework, huh?
Meanwhile, I'm going up to the science lab and experimenting on myself.
I'm going to live forever.
Someday, someday I plan to own the biggest fast food factory in Tromaville.
Or maybe the whole world!
He became consumed by the power it brought him,
and began to perform heinous experiments on himself.
We've been tracking his movement for years,
and hiding you from him for your own good.
But warren began mutating at a rapid rate.
The chemicals began to change him.
Corrupt him.
Aged his body and distorted his features.
Warren started a Kickstarter
and raised enough money to create a food products company.
One of the largest in the world.
He called this mega conglomerate, ' " Disney. '"
Oh, I mean, ' "Tromorganic Foodstuffs. '"
soon he will raise an army of mutated cretins,
and cause mass destruction of biblical proportions.
He discovered a way to transform
by gorging on nuclear waste and tainted food stuffs.
Ack in the eighties, no didn't mean no.
Warren got your mother fucked up on contaminated nuclear marijuana.
And what followed was a tubular night of 1980s passion.
You know Chrissy,
maybe maybe tonight
I won't use a condom, cause that way we might have an illegitimate child
who just might turn out to be a lesbian.
Ooo. Tubular.
And she got pregnant with you.
Like so many teenagers of the eighties,
she aborted you in the school bathroom.
Which you survived.
You're such a good swimmer.
You Aunt found you and brought you home.
You grew from a nasty ass slug into a beautiful blossoming lesbian...
who apparently took 25 years to get through high school.
Wait. But the tainted food stuffs and mutations
come from Tromorganic Foodstuffs, I no. Which is run by...
Lee Harvey Herzkauf.
No. That's impossible.
Search your feelings, you know it be true.
You mean Lee Harvey Herzkauf is my father?
I mean warren.
Haven't you noticed that photograph of your father and you
that's been on the mantel all these years?
It's looking right at you!
Father?
Would you fuck me?
I'd fuck me.
I'd fuck me hard.
I'd fuck me so hard.
Precious,
where is it?
Where is it?
I've got a yummy snack for you.
Come here you little shit!
Precious!
Why are you doing this?
Isn't it obvious?
Fine...
Recent studies in the scientific community
have proven that the inhalation of flatulent gas
prevents all sorts of common ailments.
And it smells pretty damn good as a bonus.
Ailments such as, Diarreah,
Diabetes,
Heart Disease,
and Hair loss
can all be prevented by smelling farts.
But what many people don't know
is that inhaling the farts of high school students
who have been exposed to our patented nuclear tacos
has been shown to reverse the aging process.
For once saying science stinks
is a good thing!
No wait don't light that!
You wouldn't know it to look at me,
but I'm over sixty years old.
Thanks to your gas,
my ass is the ass of a ten year-old boy.
You're mad.
There's no way the government's going to let you get away with this.
Ha! Who do you think is paying and subsidizing
for my gas fart-aine of youth program?
Yes! Thanks to me the fat-cats in Washington
are going to be turning into the cool-cats of Hollywood.
You're a monster!
Not yet.
As long as I have a steady supply of teenage air biscuit,
there is no way that I will transform
into a poorly constructed non-articulated,
sloppily designed two thousand dollar monster
that can't even close its mouth.
We interrupt this program
to bring you fast breaking TNN news.
It's official, the united Nations has declared a worldwide disaster.
The Tromorganics Foodstuffs contagion,
which began several weeks ago
in Tromaville, New Jersey,
has now spread to over 200 countries.
Leaving millions of crazed cretins in its woeful wake.
With more on this developing story of the tragic Tromorganic tacos,
we take you to Chet Bodan, reporting live on location from Ulan Bator, Mongolia.
Chet?
Thanks, Chuck.
Sources have told us that.
Tromorganics Foodstuffs contagion started months ago
after being shipped out to high schools, universities,
and homeless shelters all over the world.
The white House, Congress, and President Lemmy
deny any knowledge or involvement.
Is it true that the contagion
has been seeping into the Earth's water supply?
That's right, Chuck.
First Flint, Michigan,
then Fukijima, Japan,
now Tromaville, New Jersey,
and the list goes on and on.
We now take you to our reporters in the field.
Let's have a look at these disturbing images
from around the world.
TNN has live team coverage.
The world Health Organization has failed us.
The CDC has failed us.
The UN has let us down.
The government has let us down.
Everybody was warned
but nobody did anything
until it was in their backyard.
Well folks,
now it's here
the proverbial mutated dog
has taken a chemically polluted dump
in your backyard with no FDA approval.
Where is the FDA?
Where is the FEMA?
Where is Reverand Al Sharpton?
Tacos.
You know Chet,
it really bothers me that people are melting down all over the world
and humanity end as we know it.
But, there is a truly serious matter
that we haven't even addressed yet,
Kim Kardashian took three healthy shits today.
That's right, Chuck.
Is it possible
these kids could just be part of a flash mob
raising awareness for bulimia?
Actually no, the bulimia flash mob
is not scheduled till next Friday
at the Missouri state university student Center.
We have no official word as to what's happening.
But in the spirit of cable news
and the quest for ratings,
we will now repeat these images ad nauseam
to increase viewership through fear mongering.
The Fat Cats at Washington
want to be the Cool Cats of Hollywood.
I'm tellin ya,
it's a conspiracy.
Pourquoi autoriser les tacos dans les avions?
Why are we letting the tacos on to the planes?
It's all a conspiracy.
We need to close the borders immediately.
Some say Tromorganic is responsible.
We need to stop bullying these corporations.
We all know what this is really about.
It's all about the legalization of pot.
Gay Marriage.
- And the dirty Jews..
- The dirty Jews.
What kind of God? What kind of God?
Probably one of the Indian ones.
What kind of God allows a monster
like Herzkauf to propagate and destroy the world?
I hate you. I don't give a fu...
You're right. We must kill God.
Let's just start with Herzkauf.
Oh now what?
I'll get it.
Chrissy Goldberg, what are the sources of your blog?
Do American lesbians enjoy German scat porn?
Where do you do your shopping?
Oh my God, shut up!
Seriously, don't you care about the corruption
of Tromorganics Foodstuffs
or the fact that they are mutating and poisoning the student body
or they're going to enslave us all?
Is it true you're carpet munchers?
Which one of you is the man?
Look at me.
Everyone knows the press are a bunch of idiots.
Do lesbians really like to scissor?
What do we have to be afraid of?
We've been mutated, bullied,
I got duck raped.
Isn't your blog slanderous?
WTF.
Everything on my girlfriend's blog
is true.
Tell them my love.
My little Rachel Maddow.
Tell them everything.
Grab her boob!
Much like reality, programming has tainted our Televisions.
Hello?
Yes, Mr. President.
What the hell is going on over there?
What do you mean, sir?
Turn on the TV.
Principal westly has been blackmailing me and my soul kissing life partner.
That Bitch!
We all make choices.
Mr. Herzkauf, how would you respond
to the accusations that Tromorganic Farms is poisoning children all around the world?
Do you think I could come up with a plot that stupid?
And I will no longer hide.
Take care of it now!
Oh that bitch, I hope she stubs her clit!
So...
Now that you know all that,
what's up?
- What does vagina taste like?
- Do you use a strap on?
What's the deal with the hairy legs and flannel shirts?
Are you afraid of getting throat cancer
fueled by abundance accounts of cunnilingus?
You know like Michael Douglas claims?
I don't know.
Lesbo cunt, you killed two of our Cretin brothers.
And now we're going to kill you and your little mother fucking duck!
Get her hands!
This ain't no charter school!
We're gonna give you the Lesbo remedy!
So what do we do about Herzkauf?
We have to get the gang together.
Yes, it's up to us to stop Herzkauf.
Yes, let's get Lauren
Lauren?
Help me!
Lauren?
Come on Lauren.
We're late for class!
Lauren?
The backyard!
Lauren?
When Mr. Herzkauf says fart, you fart!
I can't!
I'm a vegan!
What kind of God?
Don't worry about that.
It's just a touch of douchebag-a-tosis.
Douchebag-a-tosis affects one out of every seven Troma actors.
Now everything is going according to plan.
This worldwide contagion
is creating an army of mutated cretins,
and soon I will be all powerful.
Uh. Boss, we got a problem.
We're out of gas.
What about this gas bag?
This tank is empty.
Jumpin' Jesus on a Pogo stick!
Call for my rickshaw,
I need to get to the school and get some fresh meat.
Yes, sir!
It's happening. It's happening!
Run the red light!
I've got to get to the school!
Hurry up!
Yes, sir!
Tromaville Highschool is the second left.
Westly, I've been paying you millions of dollars
and when I get to the school, I want those teenagers lined up!
I need that ass juice!
You hear me!
Gas! I need gas!
Boss, bad news, we're out of gas!
Of course we're out of gas!
What do you think I'm going to the school for?
I'm about to... what's happening to me?
We're out of gas. Gas Gas!
Fuel!
Who you calling fool?
If those kids aren't lined up
and farting like crazy,
I'm going to rip your neck out!
I'm going on foot.
Attention students.
I would like any of you who are suffering bouts of flatulence
to report to my office
for an impromptu support group.
Get the fuck out!
Let's all run into the school.
We all know that's the safest place
during the school shooting.
Lauren?
Zac!
Uh hey! Slater bro...
Yeah, I can barely hear you.
Chrissy, you got to get down here.
The Cretins have your oh-so-hot, luscious,
hard bodied, abs you could lick whip cream off,
legs that would give Father Hoolihan a heart attack
girlfriend.
Fuck she's hot!
Yeah,
uh, get Kelly and meet me there asap OK?
Oh my God. Where are the fucking cops around here?
Let's suit up.
Lock down.
Lock down!
Tromaville High is going on lock down!
Oh my baby! Please don't hurt him!
Shut up!
Now move!
I'm going
to shoot the fucking baby!
Move!
Grab her by the pussy!
Now you've done it Herzkauf.
You fool.
Your fart huffing fetish has driven them mad!
I hate these bastard goddamn kids anyway.
Fuck this!
Oh god damnit.
I can't take it.
Why don't you just fuck me in the ass?
Get it over with.
Just do it you bastard!
Suck out my gas!
Hashtag Fail!
Everything OK boss?
Hey, Dale, nice crotch rocket!
Thanks Tristan, did you see the newest Terrence Malik movie?
Fuck this, I'm going home to listen to Michael Bolton.
Take that you stupid tire!
You're fired!
No, no, no.
Please don't rape me. Please. Please. Don't rape me.
Please. Please.
Don't rape me.
Please!
Don't rape me. Please.
Please don't rape me.
Please!
Don't rape me.
Please don't put that big slimey thing in me.
Slap me on the buttocks
with that big, giant claw of yours!
Please! Please!
Please don't rape me.
Please!
No!
Please!
Please, don't rape me.
Don't fill my cum bucket
with your shimmering, slimey, monster goo.
Oh yeah. I'm going to fill your cum bucket
with my shimmering, slimey monster goo.
No. No!
Travis stop the editing machine now.
Stop!
No!
Stop! I can see where you're going with this.
You're trying to sneak in an ejaculation scene into this movie.
Travis, did you do this?
Was this your idea?
No, Mrs. Kaufman! It was his idea!
That's Mark Torgl.
He played little Melvin in the original Toxic Avenger.
Look at the irony!
He's jerking off,
he he cums in the eye of my character
who's almost fully fully transformed,
and then I as the monster, I do the obvious,
I take the broom and or a mop and I I shove it up his ass
- and it comes out his penis. - No!
Dumbo the Elephant thinks he needs the feather
to fly
and you think that you need all this sex,
and all this violence and all these boobies
and all this other stuff in order to make a good movie.
And you don't need it!
You're making a great movie.
Alright, alright, alright Blue Apron Housewife.
Instead of the ejaculation scene,
how about we go and film a wonderful new scene?
While the Cretins are going crazy in the school,
destroying the school,
a beautiful young student with nice breasts
goes downstairs with her professor.
Travis get this.
The teacher says,
"I don't care if you got gang raped by six Cretins
and you got anal warts.
I am your homeroom teacher and I love you!"
They're about to make hot monkey love.
The young girl is so enamored with the distinguished older man
that she doesn't even notice that slime
from the monster is dripping on those luscious, beautiful fun bags.
When the monster,
my character, is fully transformed now with a tail,
and the tail wraps around the chicks legs
and then penetrates her vagina.
Right into her cunt.
Stop. No!
No!
There is enough of this!
We don't need more penises. We don't need vaginas.
E don't need penises and vaginas...
in this movie.
There's enough of the naked girls.
And tails going in. Just stop it!
Hear me out. Hear me out.
After the scene with the nether regions.
The tail wraps around her head, and crushes her head.
It's a Troma Head Crushing.
And then, and then at the end of the scene
the teacher says,
"sorry, I'm from Orange County.
I have no morals."
It'll be perfect, right?
No, no.
You're not going to film that scene.
It's got my name on it.
I'm one of the producers.
I don't want this in my movie.
Alright, alright I'm going to give you what you want.
The Hell with the First Amendment.
We're going to censor it, Travis go ahead.
Then we'll have a nice PG rated movie.
And everyone will be happy except for Travis and Me.
But can we, can we see the ejaculation one more time, please?
No. No. Not in my movie.
H oh what kind of God?
Please,
don't put that pulsating monstrosity in my naughty hole.
Oh My God! Go away!
Tell my story.
Leave out the part where I shit my pants.
Bastard, you have my nose!
Wait a minute,
now Daddy has to buy me a new nose.
The oldest hath bore most
we who are young have never seen so much or lived so long.
Slater!
I knew that guy he was in our science class.
Lauren!
Come on.
I'm coming!
Let's go gang!
Slipping on blood.
I'm sorry Lauren,
but the only thing worse
than being bullied for being gay
is being bullied for being fat!
Lauren!
Hold it fuckers!
Put it down!
This is for ripping out my nose ring, bitch!
Well well.
You guys wanted to see me naked, right?
Well here I am.
Let me introduce you guys
to my friend. Prince Albert!
Time to rape the baby!
What the duck?
Fuck you!
Kevin! I'd recognize those beautiful brown bedroom eyes of yours anywhere.
Here's a nut for you losers!
Move move move move.
Are you okay, buddy?
Did it go off?
Yeah, it went off.
But I'm fine.
It's a miracle!
Oh man. That really hurts.
Chrissy.
Yes.
Your girlfriend is oh-so hot.
Has abs that you could lick whip cream off.
Legs that would give Father Hoolihan a heart attack.
You take care of her, okay?
No! No!
The baby!
Talking Tromaville!
By the way Chrissy,
when you see a monster in the later reel of this movie,
that monster's your father!
Lauren!
You know I'm ticklish.
Now is not the time!
Quit it!
Dad, stop no!
It's me Chrissy, you're daughter.
Stop all this madness.
I know you're in there somewhere.
And I know that you're mad that Mom
left you for another woman.
But you have to accept it!
Mom's gay!
And Dad, I'm gay too.
It's a new age, it's a new dawn, it's a new day at Tromaville.
Things have changed.
Hell...
it's a new New Jersey.
Please, I love you.
I love you.
Sorry we're late.
Chip shit himself.
Get the laser!
I got it!
- Shoot it! - Press some buttons!
Shoot it!
This game is the biggest
piece of shit.
What the fuck?
Thank God we crashed in front
of the Michael Jackson burn center.
And the skin graph work they did, from your ass on my face?
Phenomenal.
Yeah, actually it looks a little bit better.
A little more hair on your face,
but other than that you look terrific.
Unfortunately, I lost my penis.
And the good news is that the left over insurance money
flipped the bill on this brand new 1977 Thunderbird.
Identical to the last one that flipped over in the other movie.
So nothing could possibly go wrong as I drive us all
to tonight's Foghat laser light show.
And nothing is going to stop us from seeing that laser light show.
Straight ahead.
OK. Here we go.
Ahhhh, the irony!
Oh that is awful weed!
How come snoop Dogg gets all the good stuff?
Why is that?
Who am I talking to?
I'm the final authority.
What?
You killed God!
I killed God.
You still got to kill Herzkauf.
No!
Can't get a clear shot.
Wait, don't shoot Kevin!
You might only have one shot.
One shot is all I need.
Let's fuck shit up!
Uh... Run!
Wait, the baby! Kevin!
We don't have time,
Go!
Did you see that shit? Aha!
No more.
There will be no more poisoning of our food.
No more, uh, homophobia.
No more bullying.
No more fucking exams!
And no more core curriculum!
I'm sorry I was such a dick.
I guess I never really knew what true love was
until somebody whipped out a penis and waved it in my face.
I just wanted to make sure that you and me were, you know...
if you ever want to have a freaky ménage,
you got my digits Goldberg.
The machine is back on line!
Hail Satan!
I'm the last remaining survivor of the missing Tromaville students.
All the others were thrown into Tromorganic Foodstuffs
in order to meet the USDA's daily standards.
Had it not been for your explosion, I would've ended up n some obese American's burrito.
Thank you.
Glad we could help.
Kevin!
You made it!
My Baby.
Our Baby.
Thank you.
Thank you, Kevin.
I love you too you old quack!
Kevin!
Where are you going?
You're part of our family now.
But wait, there's more!
Fuck Tromaville High!
Fuck Tromorganic Foods. And Fuck Herzkauf!
Let him take the fall!
Ah, mother of fuck!
Well my brigadiers,
what did we learn?
I think we've all learned some valuable lessons.
We've learned that love conquers all.
Even if your partner is impregnated by water fowl.
We learned that bullying is wrong.
And singing public domain barber shop songs
while violently killing people...
Hey that's no way of going through life.
After all you might get slaughtered by a giant mutated duck
named Kevin.
We learned that Return to Nuke'Em High
volumes 1 and 2 add up to 3.
Did it make sense to split this movie into two volumes?
I don't know.
If you paid for both parts,
hey it sounds like a good idea.
Now, let's review the important segments of the film.
And most important,
we learned that eating glowing green tacos
manufactured by a heartless, greedy corporation
is very unhealthy.
Now please think
before you shove that
fried sodium filled,
heart attack inducing,
fast food down your gullet.
After all,
you are what you eat.
And please,
don't forget to recycle loose cans and bottles.
Now, if you ' ll excuse me,
I'm late for the Foghat laser light show.
My dark blue, 1970s car
and friends are waiting for me downstairs.
Oh, and by the way, Excelsior!
God, don't you hate it when movies wear out their welcome?
Oh yeah, yeah.
It's almost as if a bad news story is broken up into two parts
and the second half airs three years later
for no apparent reason.
Speaking of which,
coming up tomorrow, we're going to take a look at the 42 separate endings
to Peter Jackson's extended cut of Return of the King!
"Until then, this is Talkin" Tromaville
saying makalaka hi meka hiney ho.
Meeny meeny teekalee oh farsen.
A wise man, I think it was Hillary Clinton,
once said that
the mistakes of the past
by those that don't take note of them.
We thought we rid Tromaville
of the corruption and the corrupted food,
but big business is no monster
that can be defeated by a couple of hard
bodied lesbians.
I should know, for I am Chrissy Goldberg,
and this is the result of years of radiated taco consumption
and a duck rape.
So heed this warning,
for the future will affect us.
Future events will affect us all in the future.
Isn't that right, Lauren my love?
Chrissy, Chrissy, I love you!
I love you!
I love you.
But you got to say no to the GMOs
or else you too might find yourself mutated
into a black midget in a remake!
It's not a remake.
It's a reboot.
It's more like a re-imagining.
Why do you always have to hurt my feelings?
I just want to be the big man for once in my life.
You're always going to be my big man.
I love you.
Hey Eugene! What are you doing here?
Actually, I'm here for Return to Nuke ' Em H igh volume 3.
Oh wow, that's cool!
Presidents don't get angry they get diplomatic.